I Miss My Mom - Anticipatory Grief

November 06, 2017

The honest and raw truth is.....

I miss my mom.

You may see a smile on my face. You may see me laughing, but the honest truth is -

I miss my mom.

I have been having anticipatory grief for awhile lately. It's the strangest feeling. I feel guilty for feeling this kind of grief. I know that people are like "be grateful your mom is still here", but in all honesty. . .  my mom, that I once knew and grew up with, is gone. I will never have that mom back. Each passing day, I lose more and more of her.

What is anticipatory grief? Here is what the definition is from VeryWell.com.

"Anticipatory grief is a common grief reaction among people who are facing the eventual death of a loved one. Yet, while most people are familiar with the grief that occurs after a death (conventional grief), this kind of grief that occurs before a death is not often discussed. Because of this, some people find it socially unacceptable to express the deep grief and pain they are experiencing and receive the support they need."

Anticipatory grief comes to me in waves or like a roller coaster. Up, down, and all around. Then I feel okay, for awhile, until the roller coaster starts up again.

I don't have a mom I can confide in.

I don't have a mom to go ask life questions to.

I don't have a mom that I can go have "real" girl time with.

I don't have a mom that can really & truly care about me.

I don't have a mom that can give me advice.

I have felt many times that I am being tortured, and I don't really know when the torturing is going to end. Even when the torturing ends. . . . . I know the torturing will continue for awhile longer. I question, when is this nightmare going to end? When can I start healing from this journey?

I try to show you the positive side as much as I can, but I just want to show you a hint of what the negative side can look & feel like.

I want to end the stigma where we aren't suppose to express our true feelings and we are suppose to act like everything is fine! If you are feeling anticipatory grief, please share your feelings with someone. Don't hold it in to yourself. Share this post, and say "I feel this way, too", if you feel this way! I want to help make it where it is socially acceptable to share our grief and pain from anticipatory grief!

Thank you for reading and letting me vent my thoughts out. Thank you for letting me share with you some of what goes on in a caregiver's mind.

I am okay. I will be okay. This process is just hard.

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  1. You express yourself so well. I sometimes wonder why you were given the job of helping your mother through this life experience. I've read many books about the After life and it helps me realize how close that side really is. I love your mom's laugh and I also feel this "Anticipatory Grief". I wonder what it would be like without her to be silly with. Love you. Linda

  2. I feel your pain - you are losing your mom a little each day. My brother has Alzheimer's early stage. Some days are good and some days are bad. One day he won't know me. That is my dear grief.

  3. What a painful thing to go through. My heart goes out to you


  4. I am so sorry for what you're going through. My Mother passed away in 2005 when she was only 65. She had a bad stroke and only lived for one week. She had been perfectly healthy before that. I can honestly say that entire experience was the hardest time of my life. I think it's very normal that you are grieving her loss because you don't have HER in your life like you used to. Loosing a parent was the single hardest thing to get over for me because they are your confidants and really your best friend. I'll be thinking about you.

  5. You are so courageous for sharing your grief like this and it will be so helpful to others who experience anticipatory grief. Keep talking about it and sharing your story...it is the best way to allow the healing process to begin. We can't deny or hide those types of feelings otherwise they will gain too much control. Rather, it is so important to feel them and process them. I remember the process of losing my parents and watching their decline week after week at their bedside and praying for it all to end. And then when it did end, I remember the guilt washing over me in torrents, feeling as if it were all my fault because I prayed so hard for the end to come. But there should be no guilt or shame in wanting and asking for relief from our emotional pain and for relief from any pain that our loved ones are feeling. I am sending so much love and so many prayers for you and hope you find your place of healing. But, please keep writing about it.


  6. Anticipatory grief is very real and perfectly "acceptable." Whether one is waiting for a terminally ill parent to die or for a parent with dementia to "not know me," the grief is just as strong as the grief following a death. Don't feel guilty about it.

  7. You are 100% entitled to your feelings. I beleive this post will also help others to own their own feelings too.

  8. Oh hun I can see how hard it is just through your words alone. Every one is entitled to grieve before or after, please do not feel guilty for grieving. Thanks for linking up at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

  9. I'm stopping in today from SITS Sharefest today, and just wanted to thank you for sharing this incredibly beautiful and raw and meaningful post. I'm glad that you are discussing it and shedding light and I hope you find support from people experiencing the same... but more importantly, that you begin to find comfort discussing these emotions out loud. I like what Dr. Elise Cohen says above me--that you are 100% entitled to your feelings. Sometimes liberating them makes all the difference in the world <3

    Sending much love and light.

  10. Today is the 1 year anniversary of losing my mom but I was really losing her slowly for a few years before. It was to age and watching her not be able to do what she could do before was heartbreaking. I took care of her the last four years of her life in my home and sometimes I felt so guilty that I was feeling sorry for myself. Why did I have to be the one having to take care of her. It was such a task everyday and I couldn't live a life of doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it anymore. But then I would cry because I knew how heartbroken I was going to be when I lost her. And I am heartbroken on this anniversary. It has been getting easier everyday and I know she is strong and back to her old self now. I have to believe that.
    Thank you so much for expressing your grief. I'm sure there are a lot of people getting comfort in your words. I hope that you felt a little better after writing your post. All your feelings are perfectly normal and usual for people in your situation. Please don't worry about what people might think. That should be the least of your worries right now. You have enough on your plate. You are an angel for taking such good care of your mom right now.

  11. After 12 years, we now know our family faces (and has faced) the same loss, all this time. Not having the medical understanding for so long complicated it; but we still felt it. My wife, my children’s mother, our marriage, our happiness. Swallowed whole, by FTD. My heart goes out to you, wherever you are in this journey.


Thank you so much for your comment! :)

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